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surfguy
Lounge Wizard
Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Posts: 6979
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 Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 10:12 pm Post subject: newly discovered travel parasite |
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Woman Overjoyed By Giant Uterine Parasite
August 27, 2007 | Issue 43•35
Sponsored by NEW BRIGHTON, MN—Immediately following a physician's examination for her menstrual cessation, 37-year-old events planner Janice Crowley told reporters Tuesday that she is "ecstatic" with her diagnosis of a rapidly growing intrauterine parasite.
"I'm so happy!" Crowley said of the golf ball–sized, nutrient-sapping organism embedded deep in the wall of her uterus. "I was beginning to think this would never happen to me."
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The unaccountably happy Crowley.
Crowley's condition is common and well-documented, with millions of women between the ages of 12 and 50 diagnosed every year. Studies have shown that while the disorder strikes without prejudice across racial, ethnic, and class lines, it bears a very high correlation with the consumption of alcohol at the time of infection. Although there is a low-cost daily medication available that can prevent the harmful symbiote with 99 percent efficacy, many women inexplicably choose not to use it.
Symptoms of potential uterine blight are wide-ranging and can include nausea, vomiting, constipation, irritability, emotional instability, swollen or tender breasts, massive weight gain, severe loss of bone density, fatigue, insomnia, excessive flatulence, hemorrhoids, vaginal tearing, and involuntary defecation.
"I can't wait to tell my parents!" said Crowley, who added that she is reasonably certain she contracted the parasite while on a romantic Caribbean cruise with her husband in May, most likely during a brief sojourn in the Virgin Islands.
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The nutrient-sucking creature that grows within.
"I think it must have happened in that little seaside villa on St. Thomas," said Crowley in an attempt to pinpoint precisely how long ago her endoparasitic ailment began. "Or maybe the night we went to that secluded beach on Tortola."
Crowley has reportedly refused a simple inexpensive outpatient procedure that would completely rid her of the detrimental organism in about an hour, effectively sparing her from the host of complications that will burden her and her family for the rest of their lives.
"We're thinking of naming [the parasite] either Robert or Lisa," Crowley said. "I just couldn't be more excited!"
Among the many signs that Crowley's condition is deteriorating rapidly is a frequent compulsion to consume foods in unorthodox and often revolting combinations.
"For some reason I can't stop eating olives dipped in chocolate cake frosting," Crowley said cheerfully. "And the other day I just had to have sardines with butter and jam. Crazy!"
In what will likely be the most painful experience of her life, Crowley will eventually require hospitalization in order to remove the giant entity. There is at least a 15 percent chance doctors will be forced to cut the parasite directly from her abdomen, a procedure that would result in severe trauma and scarring. If Crowley survives the operation, she will have to cope with the minimum 18 additional years of emotional and financial drain that is typically associated with this parasite, as well as irrevocable harm to her toned and relatively youthful body, This includes scarring to her breasts and stomach, and a series of visibly pronounced veins along her thighs and groin.
"Just think, in a couple of months I'll be able to feel it kicking," Crowley said of the creature that will soon be writhing restlessly inside her, increasingly and disproportionately robbing her of her strength and stamina. "It's truly a miracle."
Though Crowley is otherwise healthy, the fact that she is in her late 30s makes it much more likely that the parasite has already split and multiplied within her womb. |
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5_Zvehzda
Just Starting
Joined: 30 Mar 2010
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 11:04 pm Post subject: |
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Was this pulled from 'The Onion'?
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Crabman
WayToRussified
Joined: 28 Jan 2005
Posts: 401
Location: Middlesex
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| Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 11:36 pm Post subject: |
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| No waves today? |
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Yuri-s-Girl
WayToRussified
Joined: 01 Jul 2007
Posts: 371
Location: Ontario
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| Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 12:15 am Post subject: |
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Egad!
YG |
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jo-jo-7
Just Starting
Joined: 16 Mar 2010
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 12:22 am Post subject: |
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| That is a nice way to sum up pregnancy. Pregnancy sounds so difficult. |
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Yuri-s-Girl
WayToRussified
Joined: 01 Jul 2007
Posts: 371
Location: Ontario
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| Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 12:43 am Post subject: |
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| jo jo 7 wrote: | | That is a nice way to sum up pregnancy. Pregnancy sounds so difficult. |
Is that what they are describing? Good grief!
Hmmm, I know some women have a rough time but others find it a breeze, well until the labour I suppose.
YG |
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Daria
Lounge Wizard
Joined: 16 May 2005
Posts: 1146
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 1:39 am Post subject: |
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| Yuri's Girl wrote: | | jo jo 7 wrote: | | That is a nice way to sum up pregnancy. Pregnancy sounds so difficult. |
Is that what they are describing? Good grief!
Hmmm, I know some women have a rough time but others find it a breeze, well until the labour I suppose.
YG |
I've had so much "fun" with my pregnancies.  Labour was nothing comparing to my nausea days.  |
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jo-jo-7
Just Starting
Joined: 16 Mar 2010
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 5:20 am Post subject: |
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| Daria wrote: | | Yuri's Girl wrote: | | jo jo 7 wrote: | | That is a nice way to sum up pregnancy. Pregnancy sounds so difficult. |
Is that what they are describing? Good grief!
Hmmm, I know some women have a rough time but others find it a breeze, well until the labour I suppose.
YG |
I've had so much "fun" with my pregnancies. Labour was nothing comparing to my nausea days. |
Well, hopefully next year I will have a baby, but the thought of nausea and vomiting does not sound like much fun Daria... |
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Daria
Lounge Wizard
Joined: 16 May 2005
Posts: 1146
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 6:25 am Post subject: |
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| jo jo 7 wrote: | | Daria wrote: | | Yuri's Girl wrote: | | jo jo 7 wrote: | | That is a nice way to sum up pregnancy. Pregnancy sounds so difficult. |
Is that what they are describing? Good grief!
Hmmm, I know some women have a rough time but others find it a breeze, well until the labour I suppose.
YG |
I've had so much "fun" with my pregnancies. Labour was nothing comparing to my nausea days. |
Well, hopefully next year I will have a baby, but the thought of nausea and vomiting does not sound like much fun Daria... |
There is some medication for it ( Diclectin). I was prescribed one , because I've had a bad type of nausea (rapid weight loss, dehydration, fatigue...etc. only 2% of women get it.) Basically, you are getting a wicked allergic reaction. That's what it is. Baby is an allergan. Well, not the baby, but all of the hormons involved.  |
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